Ever have those days...

Where nothing at all is wrong on the face of your life but you're dying inside? No? Oh... wait that's because you don't live with Major Depressive Disorder and I get it you know? Unless you've ever experienced it there is no way to understand.

Depression, clinically diagnosed depression is more than a bad mood or a series of off days. Its a weight so heavy that thinking exhausts you. The very act of remaining civil and professional at work can make you crawl in to the fetal position once you get home because its.so.damn.hard.

But you know I'm doing okay and the reason that I'm all up and sharing this with you is that I'm not ashamed. If I was telling you this face to face you'd be averting your eyes, wondering what the PC thing to say is or simply wishing the ground would swallow you up. Mental illness is confrontational and just a little bit taboo. Believe me I know.  But for a minute consider this...

If I had a broken foot you'd write on my cast and I'd still be silly old Krissy who did a dumb thing...

If I had Leukemia you'd stand beside me and urge me to fight. You'd be proud to know me and tell your friend about what an amazing person I am...

But I have Depression so I'm treated with kid gloves or all together ignored...

Look past this label that has nothing to do with who I am. I can bench press 40kg and I can run a 7minute kilometer. I bake a mean Cheesecake and I can create jewellery that will make your eyes pop out of your head. I'm generous and I'm smart and I have more love in me than any person I've ever known.

And I have Depression 

Just not my day

Feeling like a toad in a hole today - so closed in. It gets like that sometimes in my life. Too many rude people, not enough head space; it freaks me out a little.
Im eating clean and training again, won't be long until Im buff and proud again. I think the main difference this time is that Im doing it right mentally. The only reason I want to lose weight is because I feel like it. Not because I want to prove to people that I can, not because I 'need' to or because I'm disgusted with my body.

Just because I feel like it. Just because I enjoy the process and the fresh clean eating and the runners high. All though for me its a crossy high because my cross trainer is the one place I can push it all out and feel amazing.

BPF Cookies ( Healthy and amazing with complimentary commentary)

2 cups of Spelt flour ( which is now stocked at Woolies!! WHOO HOO!!)
2 tbsp ground Flaxseed ( buy them whole and grind them in a mortar and pestle. Helps burn calories and vent frustrations!)

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp sea salt ( pink if you can get it; its so posh)
1 banana (the riper the better)
3/4 maple syrup (REAL maple syrup. Yes it costs a little more but its worth it. maple flavored syrup is full of sugar and in no way good for you)
1 cup unsalted cashew nut butter (also available at Woolies)
2 tsp vanilla extract (again, the proper stuff here people)
1/4 cup dark chocolate chopped ( optional - you don't really need them trust me)

1. mix up the dry stuff in one bowl and the wet stuff in another. I used a bar mix on my wet ingredients but you don't have to. It's okay to leave it a little chunky.

2. Fold the dry stuff into the wet stuff until just combined. Don't over work it

3. This is optional but I had fun putting the dough into my piping bag and then piping little swirls onto the baking tray. Please use a fluted edge or they'll look like little puppy poos! Because the doughs quite stiff, this is a little hard but again - burning more calories!!

4. Bake for 10-12 minutes in a just below moderate oven until slightly browned and then cool on a wire rack.

You're looking at about 110 Calories each and about 2-3 grams of fat. Enjoy!!!

Conversation I had with myself...

"I've tried everything to lose weight. I've tried diets and shakes and personal trainers. Nothing works"

The second me says, "have you tried eating healthy and exercising everyday?"

Yes if course I have but that didn't work either. You have to do it for too long...

"well, yeah. You have to do it forever."

And such is the terrible logic of my brain!

Tell me you wouldnt want to hang out at a dog park like this...

Well it's been a while. Life's so hard right now! Not just me I'm sure but getting up in the mornings a struggle, paying for things is a struggle, remembering to take your meds is a struggle!

And then you get a few moments alone on a Friday afternoon to take a deep breath and it slowly starts feeling better. You remember that some people don't have beds to get into let alone get out of and that some people don't have money to pay for things, or access to medication.

And then, among the sweet breeze and the filtered sunlight, the week melts slowly away and at least for a small moment you feel like life's okay.

Happy weekend people!

I want so much...

One of the biggest struggles I face these days is knowing what to aim for. There's so much I want to do with my life; so many things worth doing and seeing and experiencing. Where to start is one thing, where to set the limitations is fast becoming the biggest hardship of all.

I want desperately to go to Lesotho and come hell or high water I'm going. But what do I want to see? What's my motivation? How much money is too much money? Is it ok to go all the way to Africa and not go on safari? Why Seri and not Martha in Ethiopia?

It's all doing my head in. It's such a big dream to accomplish and I desperately do not want to get any part of it wrong.

I want to learn Sesotho!!!!

I'm sitting here reading and re reading my Peace Corps Guide to Sesotho and I've made some great headway. I know greetings, most of the tenses and verbs but gee ... Ya know it would be awesome to have someone to help me. Someone to Ask questions of and get explanations from.

All the while little Serialong looks back at me from the one photo I have, her pleading innocent eyes begging me to persevere. How can I love someone so much despite never having laid eyes on anything but this one photo.

And to this end I press on... Kea Leboha God for the opportunity to try something new.

Tsamaea Hantle!!!

Dengue fever in Pakistan

It's unimaginable that in the world we live in some people die of a disease and some people are vaccinated against it and never think about it at all. What a divide. HIV was a buzz word here in the 80s here but in Africa it still kills people every day as does malaria and malnutrition. As I write this I'm sitting at Hungry Jacks, eating whatever I feel like with out a second thought...

The disparity between the 'third world' and us has never been worse and yet I can't help but think that if we stopped to remember that actually, it's the same world, we'd be more inclined, more moved to help our fellow man.

Happy Sunday

Jaspar Stanley on the other hand

Doesn't quite understand his mothers intensity. A warm bed, plenty of toys and the best food money can buy and he's happy.

Animals have the right of it then? Opportunistic and charming, made absolutely adorable so that we monkeys would love them, take up their plight when necessary or in Jaspar's case, put on the maid servant outfit and cater to every whim.

Interestingly, at least in the case of Jaspar Stanley and I; I probably wouldn't have it any other way!

Chris Mccandless

So I'm reading the story of Chris Mccandless at the moment and don't panic, I'm not going to spoil it but its put me in such a state of mind that I seemingly cannot stop shaking my head in wonder.

Is this what the worlds come to? At the pinnacle of moral decomposition that the best and brightest of us throw theie hands up in frustration and simply turn their backs? We can't feed the hungry, we don't shelter the homeless, we won't embrace the fallen. We accumulate rubbish in our lives and judge ourselves by what our father does for a living.

Really?

That's what God put us here for??

If that's the case, I'd rather take my chances in the Alaskan wilderness.

What rot. What a backwards, way wards despairing society we've become that true moral fortitude can't bear its company.

Anyway, read the book - its called into the wild. I won't profess to suggest that it will change your life but I changed mine.

So... Wednesday huh?

Every time I jump on the computer I open up the World Vision page and pray for all the sponsor children. I wish I could save them all but until I can its a small thing to let God knows that someone cares.

Well the last couple of weeks I've been praying hard for the children in Lesotho and South Africa and about a week ago - they all disappeared! They were all sponsored and i was so relieved. There were like 50 or 60 kids there so I was stoked. A little pray goes a long way!

Then this morning I noticed that there were new children for South Africa and Swaziland so back to the prayer board. You know for $35 a week you can save three lives, not just one. These days you can't eat a single meal in a restaurant for that much.

To spruce up my Wednesday now that the prayings done, I think I might get me a passport!! I know right - how can I not have one. Well turns out I didn't need one to get in to Queensland  :p And then I've just got to save ( And save and save) and that's it I'm off!

Whatever you're doing today have fun, dream big and don't forget for every trouble you have, someone else has more.

Wow... so the first one should be profound right?

Sorry to disappoint. There's nothing particularly profound about me. I'm 28 going on 80, married with a dog but no children (I'm not a fan), enjoy doing anything, as long as I don't have to get off the couch or put down my knitting needles.

I really am 28 I swear...

But in the depths of my battered and bruised brain lies this undying desire to do something great with my life. Something that will help, something that will bring about change. God knows what... he actually does. He's a little mum on the subject more often than not but I know he knows. And he knows I know he knows and it makes him laugh... such is the discourse of my brain.

ANYHOOO.... So I'm planning a trip to Africa. I want to go to Lesotho and South Africa, Botswana, Swaziland... anywhere that I don't have to live this life and I might have an out of mental patient experience.  I sponsor a girl in Lesotho. She's just a baby and I'm completely in love with her. I want to meet her; not to pat myself on the back for helping her and not even to let her know how good I am (coz I'm not) but just because I adore her.

Because I think about her every day and I wonder how she is and if her family is doing well. Because every night before I go to bed I pray for her and I ask God to watch over her. Because somewhere out there in the great beyond her little life and my crappy one are connected.

So that's the plan - Im going to go to Lesotho. I was caught between telling everybody and telling nobody because people can be such nay sayers. One such 'sayer' said to me last night ' well I suppose its healthy to have something to aim for.' ( By which of course she meant - what the hell are you talking about you're never going anywhere and never doing anything because you're a loser like me.)

But I'm going to Lesotho. Just try and stop me.